One of the things that I love about writing this blog, is that no matter how crappy I feel, no matter how much I want to whine about my aches and my pains, I know that at the end of the post I have to force myself to find the silver lining on this crappy cloud. But it’s SOOOO hard sometimes. Especially when my body feels the way that it does. I’m a runner, a kick boxer, a group exercise instructor…. I used to bench press and do push ups for five minutes straight, to the beat of an energetic song, while leading an entire class. But now I use my legs to lift the top of the tanning bed off of me, so I can climb out fully clothed (see previous post for explanation), because my arms are too weak to lift it. I used to punch the heavy bag so hard, that my knuckles would bleed – and I LOVED it. Now, I go to work with my hair half wet, because my arms can not hold the hair dryer above my head for more than a few minutes, without draining every ounce of energy out of my pathetic body. I used to love pushing myself to the limit, jumping just a little higher, kicking just a little bit hard, running a little bit faster . . . . whether the goal was a finish line, or just the cool down at the end of class. There was always a reason to push and I never gave up.
Now pushing myself to my limit, is moving a small desk from one side of the room to the other. Not feeling a sense of accomplishment at the end, but feeling regret. Feeling regret, because now there is even more pain on top of the daily, crappy pain that I have to endure. But I guess this is where I have to search long and hard for that silver lining on the crappy cloud called Lyme disease. But if you think about it, the group exercise instructors don’t stop just because their thighs are burning – they keep going. They have to. It’s their job. And they have to be a good example. No matter how tough the workout is, they have to maintain good form, use good technique, keep up their endurance… and most importantly stay positive and encouraging through the pain! (Now it’s all coming together…. I almost hate that!)
As a runner, I know that I get my second/third/or fourth wind when I can see the finish line. I guess in the Lyme race, it’s a bit harder because I don’t know where the finish line is. I don’t know how many reps I have left or when this song is going to end. As far as I know, we’re only in the warm up, and I’m already feeling like I can’t get through this 60 minute class. I guess now I understand how those “New Years Resolution” people felt at the gym every January 🙂
I’ve got this devotion taped to my wall at work, I refer to it almost daily. It says:
“To him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin.” James 4:17
The devotion goes on to say that God has given us two secret weapons to use in our world today. What are they? First I will tell you what they are NOT: whining and complaining. It does not do any good. Neither does boycotting or protesting. The two secret weapons that God has given to the church are praying and preaching. We pray for our nation. We pray for our people we will share the gospel with. And then we share the gospel with them.
So, that’s what I have to do. And my hope is that you will do the same. Whining and complaining really doesn’t change anything. In fact, it only makes the situation worse. And it shows the enemy your weakness…. which he will be all over! So, I choose to stop typing such negative things and thank God for this challenge, because I know that this is HIS will and maybe, just maybe my suffering will in some way help to be the light for someone’s darkness. Or bring them closer to Lord. And if that’s the case, than it’s all worth it. In the meantime, I’m going to grab my blanket, and snuggle up with my family on the couch, because no matter how crappy I feel, my arms are never too weak for big squeeze hugs.