The funny thing about this post is that by the time I actually got around to publishing it, I felt like crap again. It started off like this:
Whenever I get a new hair cut, I always feel so pretty and rejuvenated. I often catch myself peeking at my reflection, smiling and even singing the Westside Story song, I Feel Pretty. The past few days I’ve been round-house kicking my hubby (a bad habit that I have when I’m excited), been extra rowdy with tickling and kissing the kids – and even caught myself be-bopping around the house. I can tell that I’m borderline annoying (well, not so much borderline, but VERY annoying) to my husband and my co-workers. My kids, on the other hand, are loving it because my immaturity level is ridiculously low and I’m bringing a new level of chaos to our family.
But I just can’t contain myself. There is something to be said about coming back from the dead. I’m not referring to Jesus…. I’m talking about me! I have been raised from the dead! Amazing Grace – I once was DEAD but now I’m ALIVE! AMEN!
(a few days later . . . )
I’m lying on the couch, mumbling, “I Feel Crappy! Oh so crappy!”
Yes, physically I am alive but that’s about it. I’m emotionally and mentally dead. I read a blog a few months ago from a fellow Lymie who described it as this:
Imagine yourself all alone on a train traveling at a constant speed and in an unknown direction. While you’re sitting in your seat, you look out the window and notice another train completely identical in appearance running parallel to yours. It appears to be traveling at the same constant speed and in the same direction as your train. After examining the parallel train’s exterior, you peer through its windows and take note of what resides within its cabins. Your life. Everything that you’ve ever known, felt, and yearned for is seen on the train running parallel to yours. One train consists of your estranged self perceiving from a distance a train containing the constituents of your life. You can’t interact with it. There is a complete disconnect and feeling of estrangement from the train but it forever travels by your side. All you can do is watch as the events of your life unfold and yearn deeply to exist within its realm. Somehow you wish the two trains could once more become a single entity.
At first I didn’t completely understand it, but now that I’ve had my good days, my bad days, my herxing – I get it. I’m here. I’m present. But that’s about it. It’s different than depression (which I happen to know a thing or two about). With depression, you don’t have the desire to do things that you normally love. With Lyme you want to do those things, but you can’t. I knew I was sick, when my son went through his entire first year of basketball and I hadn’t gone to one practice or game. I had the opportunity to leave a house full of screaming, fighting seven year olds and go out ALONE and enjoy watching my son play.
I passed this opportunity up three times a week, for several months. It was unheard of! What mom wouldn’t want to take a break from her hectic day, get away from the noise and stress of life and just sit back and enjoy some peace and quiet? I couldn’t believe it myself. But the sound of the basketballs bouncing, the thought of sitting on hard bleachers for an hour, the possibility that I might have to TALK to someone . . . . I couldn’t force myself to go. Even knowing that staying home would be louder, more stressful and unmanageable, I would choose to stay home.
It’s been a few days I’m still not back to normal (whatever normal may be) but I was talking to a friend today, who asked me to pray for her. She specifically asked that I pray PSALM 54. Before even reading it, I decided that I would incorporate it into this post. Here it is:
Save me, O God, by your name;
vindicate me by your might.
Hear my prayer, O God;
listen to the words of my mouth.
Arrogant foes are attacking me;
ruthless people are trying to kill me—
people without regard for God.
Surely God is my help;
the Lord is the one who sustains me.
Let evil recoil on those who slander me;
in your faithfulness destroy them.
I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you;
I will praise your name, Lord, for it is good.
You have delivered me from all my troubles,
and my eyes have looked in triumph on my foes.
What can I possibly add? The only thing that is attacking me is my negativity. I’m giving the enemy the ammunition he needs to get to me. The Lord has already answered my prayers, He has delivered me from my troubles and gave me a glance into my future . . . a healthy physical body. But more importantly, He has spoken to my heart and opened the door of healing for me. He has shown me how vain I’ve been and what is most important in my life. It’s time to start singing again! What’s my song now? Amazing Grace 🙂