Who am I trying to please?

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My six week checkup confirmed that I’m still a lymie. I still have to take my medicine. And I am not allowed to sweat yet.

Yes, you read that correctly. At the end of the appointment, when they do the recap and the nice doctors always ask if we have any questions, I usually pull out my notebook and go to town. This time I smiled and calmly stated, “If I gain another freakin pound, I’m going to kill someone.” With that he laughed and said, “Well, I guess that’s it for today!” and headed towards the door.

Hubby chimed in and asked when I’d be able to resume normal activity. He seems to think I’m pushing myself too quickly and is worried I’m going to relapse. That’s when the doctor said that light exercise is okay, maybe a walk but nothing vigorous and no sweating. Okay . . . . not exactly what I wanted to hear but I get it. He gently reminded me that this disease has been attacking my body for almost a year now and that it’s going to take awhile for me to build up my strength. If I push myself now (which I admit I have done) I will crash and burn at the end of the day. Slow and steady wins the race – even the race against Lyme.

So, I continue with my 16 or so pills a day, some days feeling better than others, and trying to stay focused on what’s important (NOT the fact that I can only fit into two pair of pants in my entire wardrobe and that I have flabby rolls in places that I never imagined possible). It has been extremely difficult for a girl that battled eating disorders her whole life to sit back and watch this happen. Even though I know this is God’s plan, it’s not always easy to accept. And sometimes I feel like I’m failing this test. Then the vicious cycle begins . . . . I become depressed, giving the enemy ammunition against me, become more obsessed with my weight, feel guilty for focusing so much energy on it, fall further into depression . . .  it goes on and on. This is what happens when I focus on myself.

But at the end of the day, I know that it’s my own insecurities, my obsession with appearances that has gotten me to this point and I can choose to either fall back into that trap or allow God to use this trial to help me learn and grow. Unlike my children who make the same mistake over and OVER again (just ask them about the obnoxious screaming and pretzels flying out of the open mini van door yesterday – UGH!) I choose to learn. I choose to please God — not myself.

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Six weeks Lyme update!

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Today is my six week check up. These past few weeks have been much easier than I expected. The Herxing was not as tough for me as it is for a lot of people (which again reminds me  of how blessed I am to have gotten a diagnosis so early). During these past few weeks, I’ve gone through my normal cycle of feeling super LYMIE during PMS, having the pain and fatigue slowly subside and then eventually getting that burst of energy that I know and love! Knowing what to expect makes life much easier doesn’t it? Don’t you wish you had a magic 8 ball that would tell you exactly what was going to happen next in your life? We’d be able to do such a better job planning  –  both financially and emotionally.

That’s kind of how my Lyme journey has been these past few weeks. Once I realized that my body does in fact go through a weekly Lyme cycle, it was easier to deal with those crappy, pain filled days. I knew they were only temporary and that if I could stick it out for just a little while, my good days were right around the corner. And when you’ve suffered from a disease like Lyme for 9 months, you never take advantage of good days!

My oldest son asked me over the weekend if I was going to start running once my Lyme was gone. When I asked why, he simply said, “You used to run all the time. I like when you just lay on the couch with us.”  I had no idea fitness was such an idol to me. I knew it was important for my mental and physical well being, but I didn’t think it was taking me away from my children. God has opened my eyes to this issue and I am working to fix it.

My goal now is to bring balance to my life and prioritize it according to the bible – not according to what I want. I know that God knows me better than I know myself. He is my father. He knows whats good for me. I used to think that thighs that didn’t rub together, tone abs and triceps that didn’t flap in the wind would make me happy – but I was so wrong. What makes me happy is knowing that I am doing what God wants me to do. That when I meet him in heaven, I will hear the words, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” Not, “Hey, nice abs! Do I know you?”

A very close family member called me over the weekend asking about my Lyme symptoms. She found a tick on her last year, removed it and hasn’t thought about it since . . . until . . . . I was diagnosed and began to educate her on Lyme and the ongoing controversy. She’s been suffering for a year with extreme fatigue, joint pain, and so many of the same symptoms I have. When I hung up the phone with her, I looked at my husband, smiled and simply said, “GOD is so good!”

Years ago, I would have been upset, pouted about it and felt sorry for us both. But instead I rejoiced and thanked God! I know that He has allowed Lyme to come into my life so that I can not only work on my life priorities, but to educate others.  How blessed am I to be able to help one of my closest family members? He is amazing in all that he does.

We may never understand the reasons for our particular trials this side of eternity, but one thing is clear – for those who love God, trials work for them, not against them (Romans 8:28). Moreover, God will give the strength to endure any trial (Philippians 4:13)