Who am I trying to please?

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My six week checkup confirmed that I’m still a lymie. I still have to take my medicine. And I am not allowed to sweat yet.

Yes, you read that correctly. At the end of the appointment, when they do the recap and the nice doctors always ask if we have any questions, I usually pull out my notebook and go to town. This time I smiled and calmly stated, “If I gain another freakin pound, I’m going to kill someone.” With that he laughed and said, “Well, I guess that’s it for today!” and headed towards the door.

Hubby chimed in and asked when I’d be able to resume normal activity. He seems to think I’m pushing myself too quickly and is worried I’m going to relapse. That’s when the doctor said that light exercise is okay, maybe a walk but nothing vigorous and no sweating. Okay . . . . not exactly what I wanted to hear but I get it. He gently reminded me that this disease has been attacking my body for almost a year now and that it’s going to take awhile for me to build up my strength. If I push myself now (which I admit I have done) I will crash and burn at the end of the day. Slow and steady wins the race – even the race against Lyme.

So, I continue with my 16 or so pills a day, some days feeling better than others, and trying to stay focused on what’s important (NOT the fact that I can only fit into two pair of pants in my entire wardrobe and that I have flabby rolls in places that I never imagined possible). It has been extremely difficult for a girl that battled eating disorders her whole life to sit back and watch this happen. Even though I know this is God’s plan, it’s not always easy to accept. And sometimes I feel like I’m failing this test. Then the vicious cycle begins . . . . I become depressed, giving the enemy ammunition against me, become more obsessed with my weight, feel guilty for focusing so much energy on it, fall further into depression . . .  it goes on and on. This is what happens when I focus on myself.

But at the end of the day, I know that it’s my own insecurities, my obsession with appearances that has gotten me to this point and I can choose to either fall back into that trap or allow God to use this trial to help me learn and grow. Unlike my children who make the same mistake over and OVER again (just ask them about the obnoxious screaming and pretzels flying out of the open mini van door yesterday – UGH!) I choose to learn. I choose to please God — not myself.

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