I don’t know what I’m more embarrassed of: the fact that I have never, not even once, played the game Angry Birds or that I’m such an angry christian that I play my own version of Angry Mom on my way home from work everyday. The game consists of a very angry 40 year old woman, who when she sees youthful, healthy people jogging on the side of the road. The goal: run ask many joggers off the road as you can! 10 points for a single runner, 50 points for a couple and 100 points for a whole track team! (and I drive by a local college on my way home, so I could rack up a lot of points)
I’m kidding! I’m not really going to run anyone over. But it does make me realize that I’m definitely grieving my old, fit, healthy self. I’m going through all of the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It’s funny because I feel like I’ve gone through all of them a few times each. Maybe I’m lucky enough to be circling around again for a triple does of each . . . hey, at least multiple mom is keeping up with her theme!
Aside from anger stemming from my grieving process, I find myself going through episodes of intense frustration and irritability (which I believe are also side affects from my invisible monster – aka Lyme/Bartonella co-infection). There’s something very NOT funny about catching myself screaming at the top of my lungs, “THAT’S ENOUGH! NO MORE YELLING! THERE WILL BE NO MORE YELLING IN THIS HOUSE!” It makes me want to scream even louder!
We’ve had quite a few melt downs this week. Between the kids having homework meltdowns and my breakdowns, we’re a Family Fondue! This morning after my tantrum, I stormed off into the family room, paced around the room for a few minutes, then plopped on the couch, threw my head in my hands and just recited the words, “God I need you,” over and over.
When I first got saved, I heard this song and it really hit home. I know God is with me. I know he always has been, but sometimes I just need to literally cry out loud to him and beg for his help. When I read Greg Laurie’s daily devotional today, I knew it was all part of God’s perfect timing – His perfect plan.
“When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives my brothers, don’t treat them as intruders, but welcome them as friends! Realise that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance. But let the process go on until that endurance is fully developed, and you will find you have become men of mature character with the right sort of independence.” ~ James 1:2–4
We talk about believing this and believing that and about the truths we hold dear. But I can hear God saying to us, “You know, you have a lot of really great beliefs. You talk about them all the time. You talk about how you believe I can provide for your every need. Okay. Let Me put you into a situation where you have no other resources and really have to trust Me for that provision.”
You see, God can allow these hardships and trials and shortfalls in our lives so that we will exercise our sometimes flabby faith muscles and step out on trust alone. We need to transfer our faith from the realm of theory to in-the-trenches reality.
Flabby faith muscles – he must be talking to me! But it makes me realize that I need to let go of the anger and put my money where my mouth is. It’s time to get fit . . . not with my physical body, but with my faith. I need to be stronger than ever and stop thinking about running done those joggers and stick to a strict regiment of getting into the word, praying and strengthening my faith. I need to stop playing ANGRY CHRISTIAN and start playing __________ (insert cool game name here . . . . with a christian twist name of course!) Pathetic, I know!