Flashback . . . . three sports seasons ago, I laid on the couch every night while my husband took my oldest son to basketball practice. Most mothers would be excited to watch their children practice, especially if it’s their first time playing a particular sport (I’m not talking about you soccer mom’s who have sat through thousands and thousands of hours sitting in your soccer mom chair with your favorite book in hand). This is new and exciting . . . and I was missing it all.
Tonight, I sit at home in a quiet house while my children are out practicing their new sport . . . football. In fact, I just received a text that the boys are actually scrimmaging EACH OTHER! That’s a double whammy! I would only have to look at one field instead of sitting in between fields and constantly straining to watch both teams at the same time. But instead, I sit at home, because I’m too exhausted to sit in my soccer mom chair. I need to lay down and have the convenience of being able to close my eyes and drift off if the need arises.
Seriously? That just sounds pathetic . . . but that’s my past and it is once again my present. So, why am I this pathetic? This week’s excuse (sorry, feeling a bit of a whine coming on) Bartonella. Not herxing from the meds, but strict Bartonella. Joint pain, migraine, back pain, debilitating fatigue and TMJ are the symptoms that come to mind. Last week I started getting sharp pains in my side. They seemed to be worse right after I took my antibiotic. I googled, WHERE IS MY LIVER and the pictures that came up confirmed what I thought.
It was the holiday weekend, so I knew my doctor wouldn’t be in, so I made an executive decision to stop taking the antibiotics until I spoke to the medical team about what was going on. If you recall, a few weeks ago my blood work showed that my Liver enzymes were a bit out of range, so my doctor wanted to keep an eye on them. He also added a few extra supplements that were supposed to balance out my wackiness.
After talking with the medical team, I was advised to stay off of the antibiotics, until I can get more blood work done. Just like with any medication there are pro’s and con’s to taking these particular antibiotics. They have done amazing things to my body, killing off so much, but the human body was not designed to endure 8 straight months of antibiotics. And my Liver is telling me to stop.
So, who do I listen to? My Liver is screaming at me to stop killing it, but today my entire body is screaming to go back on the antibiotics. I feel like an addict detoxing. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I know God is getting me through this, but it’s so hard. I want to be there to watch my boys sit the bench (haaa just kidding – sort of!). I don’t want to miss out on any more of their life than I already have.
I know that without this treatment, I wouldn’t have been as healthy as I’ve been over the last eight months, but I just wish that I knew how to fix this problem and how to ultimately get healthy again… for real! Not just a temporary healthy . . . but a REAL healthy. Lord, when will this trial end? When will I finally be free of Lyme and Bartonella?
I know we’re not supposed to have the answers or even understand the WHY’S. We’re supposed to trust the author of the book of our lives – and I do. I don’t doubt it, I don’t doubt His plan. I guess I just get tired of waiting. I guess that’s the importance of learning patience. These trials teach us to be patient and know that everything will happen on His timeline.
That’s my problem. I want to be healed. I want my life to be like it was before. I have to learn to be happy and REJOICE in what I have right now. I need to be just as joyful in my “lymie state” as I would be in a healthy state.
One of my favorite books of the bible has become Esther. I often quote it to my children when they have to do something that they don’t want to do:
Ester 4:14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”
I can not sit back and be quiet about this. I must fight and fight hard and share my story with you or anyone who will listen. Maybe I was brought into this world, formed in my mother’s womb just for this moment? To share my story with you, show you that without God I would not have been able to survive this trial, and share the Good News with you . . . Jesus loves you!