Patient to Patient Lyme Support

Recently, my doctor asked if I would consider leading a Patient-to-Patient Support Group for her patients with Lyme Disease and Post-Lyme Syndrome. Of course, I said YES and was excited to get started. I am by no means a medical professional and will not be giving medical advice, but I’m thrilled at the opportunity to help others by sharing my knowledge and hacks of living with Lyme. When I first started this blog over ten years ago, life was a bit different. I was struggling with three very different diagnoses hitting way too close to home. My two young sons were diagnosed with Autism, my mom with Early Onset Alzheimer’s and finally my Lyme Disease. It was a bit overwhelming to say the least. But God is good and always made a way, even when I was ready to give up.

I was pretty much bed-ridden, only getting off the couch to go to work and church. I was missing my kids’ sports; I was unable to socialize with friends – everyday life was a struggle. But with the right doctors, a loving and supportive family and of course Jesus – life looks much different today. Both of my boys are thriving academically, socially and in extracurricular activities and are now classified as only ADHD (the Autism classification was officially removed when they were in Middle School!) I’m working at a job I love, volunteering at school functions, working out several times a week and even accomplished a long-time goal of doing a 10K Bridge Run last fall. And my mom is no longer suffering, she is now home with the Lord.

So, although the name of the blog isn’t as significant as it once was, Lyme is still a very real part of my everyday life. Through the years I have learned to navigate this very confusing and frustrating condition. Early on in my diagnosis, I changed my diet, which significantly helped reduce migraines and inflammation. My original bloodwork showed that my Thyroid was out of whack, which explained why I was so exhausted all of the time. Once the doctors got that under control, I immediately started to have more energy, but I was still suffering from a variety of symptoms that seemed to have no end in sight. That’s when I met Dr. Molly, who literally changed my life.

When I first met with Dr. Molly, she sat down with me for over an hour at a complimentary consultation. She reviewed my entire medical history and then apologized for my previous doctors mistreating and misdiagnosing me for so long. She explained that there was no cure for Chronic Lyme Disease, but that she was confident that she could get me back to feeling 90% better. And she was right! There are lingering symptoms and flare ups that come and go with the change of the weather (literally) but I have my life back. And Dr. Molly was instrumental in my recovery and my maintenance.

Lyme is tough, but it can be controlled. Getting a diagnosis, or worse yet, not getting an accurate diagnosis can be debilitating for so many reasons. But there is hope. Antibiotics, nutriceutical protocols, diets – there are so many ways to help you navigate this extremely confusing, ever changing Lyme journey. So, if you’re looking for someone to connect with, please feel free to reach out to me at StopLivingWithLyme@gmail.com. You don’t’ have to face this alone.

I have a confession . . .

I have been a devout Christian for almost a decade. I have no problem sharing the Gospel, inviting people to church with me, or even sharing my personal testimony. However, when it comes to talking about the end times – I’m ashamed to say that I have been less than excited to discuss this topic, especially with family and friends.

 

I grew up in a traditional American family. My mother took us to “mass” every Sunday. I made all of my sacraments growing up and even got married in the Catholic Church. It wasn’t until I started going to a bible teaching church that I even realized that Jesus would come back someday. I had seen the scary movies about Armageddon and the end times, but I honestly thought it was all fiction. I had never heard of the rapture and when I was first saved, I was a little freaked out by the thought of it. But as I continue to grow in my faith, not only am I NOT afraid, I’m actually longing for the day that Jesus raptures His church.

 

I mentioned a few blogs ago, that several things have happened since the COVID-19 pandemic, and I felt called to start writing again. After I read yesterday’s daily reading in my One Year Bible, I knew I had to post about this topic.

 

Luke 21:11 There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven.  

I’m not claiming that Jesus is coming back today – because the bible is VERY clear that no one knows when He will come back. But it is also very clear that He will come back.  And if you know your bible, you know that so many things that we are facing today are specifically mentioned in the bible.

 

Growing up we prayed the same prayers over and over and some of them do mention the end times, but because they didn’t really elaborate, I never fully understood what it meant when I was saying, “Christ will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead…. and his Kingdom will have no end.”

 

But don’t just take my word for it. Do yourself a favor and educate yourself on what the bible says about the end times. Got Questions is a great website to start with. These are scary times for everyone, but you may have noticed that some of us aren’t quite as phased as the rest of the world. It’s because once you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior – you know the truth.

You know where you’re going when you die.

You know He’s in control while you’re here.

And you know that He loves you enough to sacrifice His only son.

And when you know these truths, you have peace beyond human understanding…. which happens to be yet another bible verse.

 

What is God trying to teach you?

I woke up this morning, as I have almost every other day since quarantine started. Taking advantage of being able to sleep in, make myself a cup of coffee and read my One Year Bible. Although I’ve been diligent with my readings and even journaling, I still feel like my prayer life is not where it should be. I spent some time this morning trying to figure out what God is trying to teach me during this quarantine.

 

I’m challenging my family to ponder this thought as well. To take advantage of this quiet time that He has given us and figure out what He wants us to do differently in our lives. Of course, the obvious answer – to slow down. Take a break from work, sports, after school activities, TV, social media – wherever we spend most of our time. But for me, I think it’s more than that.

 

Since I’m not so pre-occupied with myself and my family’s schedule, I’m able to focus more time on others. Although I find it hard to “help” others during quarantine – I’m realizing that you don’t always have to physically do something to help others. A quick text, phone call or email to someone letting them know you’re thinking of them  – it’s a small gesture but it can have a huge impact. We’re all experiencing extremely stressful moments through this pandemic, whether it’s losing a job, a loved one or simply trying to overcome the stress and anxiety of this situation we’ve found ourselves in. But little things go a long way.

 

I keep wondering, I’m sure like most of you, when this will all be over? When will things go back to normal? I saw this verse today, and although I already knew this . . . I’m a visual person, so this helped me to remember who is in control and that it doesn’t matter how long. I hope it brings you peace as well.

 

So, take advantage of this opportunity that God has given us all. Spend some quality time with HIM. Ask Him what he’s trying to teach you through this. I believe God is giving the world the biggest altar call in history. It’s time to get our hearts right and our faith in Him.

 

The Reason Behind the Pain

I think it’s crazy that even after seven years, this disease continues to surprise me with new symptoms. Last week, I could have sworn that I got bit by something or had some kind of rash on my arm. It was extremely sensitive to touch and it felt like my skin was burning. But there was nothing there. Day after day, I checked my arm in the mirror, scrubbed with soap and water, put extra lotion on the surface  . . . even put my daughter’s eczema cream on it, thinking maybe that would help. But nothing worked.

 

I hate to be THAT person, that blames every symptom I will ever have for the rest of my life on Lyme, so I waited. But after a week of this phantom burn, I googled BURNING ARM LYME DISEASE and wallah . . . . there was my answer:  Peripheral Neuropathy.

 

Peripheral neuropathy is not a single disease. It’s a general term for a series of disorders that result from damage to the body’s peripheral nervous system. Peripheral Neuropathy symptoms usually start with numbness (one of my first Lyme symptoms was a NUMB toe – yes, just one toe!), prickling or tingling in the toes or fingers. It may spread up to the feet or hands and cause burning (that’s me!), freezing, throbbing and/or shooting pain that is often worse at night.

The symptoms of peripheral neuropathy often include:

• A sensation of wearing an invisible “glove” or “sock”
• Burning sensation or freezing pain
• Sharp, jabbing, shooting, or electric-like pain
• Extreme sensitivity to touch
• Difficulty sleeping because of feet and leg pain
• Loss of balance and coordination
• Muscle weakness
• Muscle cramping/twitching
• Difficulty walking or moving the arms
• Unusual sweating
• Abnormalities in blood pressure or pulse

I also found that this condition is common amongst those with Lyme, MS and Lupus. I reached out to a friend who suffers from MS and she confirmed that she struggles with this as well. It usually flares up when she is emotionally or physically stressed (which makes sense because along with the global stress of COVID-19 that we’re all dealing with, my family is also smack dab in the middle of moving, which is extremely stressful).

 

As we all charter into the unknown territories of our new normal, we have to find ways to entertain ourselves, cope and remain hopeful.  I find myself humming Alicia Keys, “MY ARM IS ON FIRE!” as I try to make light of my situation instead of complaining. And as always, I remind myself that with all trials, this is an opportunity for me to keep my eyes on Jesus and not myself or my aches and pains. So, no matter what challenges you find with your new social distancing, quarantine life . . . Remember God will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born. This is our chance to allow God to work in all of us. We just have to let Him. Give Him the reigns and let Him take over. I guarantee you won’t regret it.

 

Eternal Hope in a Panic-Stricken World

Several years ago, I started writing this blog with the intent of educating people about the mystery of Lyme Disease, share my daily struggles so that fellow Lymies don’t feel alone, but most importantly to encourage readers that no matter what you are going through, God has a plan for your life, and even in your darkest hours, you can always find hope in Jesus. I’ve made significant improvements in regards to my health over the years and Lyme Disease has become more of a thorn in my side, in comparison to the daily battle it once was. So, the blogs have become few and far between.

 

However, in light of what’s happening in the world today – and after what my family witnessed yesterday, I feel the need to start writing again.

 

We live in a quiet neighborhood, on a cul-de-sac, with a bike trail that leads to the local park. Right in our backyard, we have softball fields, baseball fields, soccer fields, basketball courts, tennis courts, football field, a playground . . . you name it – it’s in walking distance from our home. This was a huge selling feature for me when we were looking for homes in the area. In the past few weeks, I’ve seen more families than usual walking dogs, going for jogs, playing ball – just trying to make the best of this situation we’ve all found ourselves in. However, the swings are no off-limits, the rims have been removed from the basketball nets . . . it feels like something out of a science fiction movie. But this is our reality.

 

My children went off to play their football game, next to the pavilion and abandoned playground while I started off on my run. After I circled the park once, I headed back to check on the kids, when I heard a frantic cry for help. Our eirie sci-fi movie was about to turn into a horror film. There was a man lying on the concrete just a few feet from my kids. His wife had just found him and was screaming for someone to call 911. As I approached the couple and dialed for help, I quickly looked the man up and down. I jumped to the conclusion that he had suffered from a heart attack and fell and hit his head. I was preparing myself to see a pretty bad head injury…. but to my surprise nothing.

 

Then I looked down and saw a pool of blood …. my first thought was that he had been shot. That’s when I saw the knife next to his hand, and the suicide note on the table.

 

This is a hard-working man, with a beautiful wife, two children, a dog . . . . We’ve known this family for years . . . my daughter has even had sleepovers at their house. This is your ideal all American family. But with the stress of possibly losing his job, the stress of this panic-stricken world we are living in right now, he felt hopeless.

 

As I laid in bed trying to wrap my brain around everything that we had experienced, I went to my bible. I have a One Year Bible that I keep by my bed and try to read every morning before I start my day. My plan was to re-read what I had read earlier, with the hopes that the Lord would settle my heart. To my surprise, I was a day behind, so I hadn’t actually read the passage for March 30th yet. So, I prayed and began to read.

 

I was so blessed by what I read and knew that it was time for me to start writing again.

I beg you . . . if you are struggling with fear, anxiety, or overwhelming feelings that are just too much to bear, PLEASE reach out to the only one who saves . . .  the only one that can bring you peace beyond human recognition.

 

There is only one true God. And He loves you. Reach out to Him. In His arms, is the only place you will find hope.

I have a love/hate relationship with the sun

Last year, my oldest played the role of PonyBoy in his high school play, The Outsiders. The first line of the play and movie is, “When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home….” Today, as I stepped out of the darkness of my office, into the bright sunlight. I had only one thing on my mind . . . . Please God, let me make it home without getting a migraine.

Lyme disease is a funny illness. One day I’m kicking butt in an indoor cycling class, with motivating music so loud, I can’t even believe the bass isn’t bothering me. Then other days, the sound of my husband stirring beef and broccoli with a metal spoon feels like an ice pick going through my brain. Monday as I drove home from work, the bright rays of sunlight seemed to bounce off every metal surface around me . . . car doors ahead of me, the rearview mirror of the car behind me, the side of the car to my left . . . it was all around. I couldn’t avoid it. For 40 minutes, I fought back the tears and tried to shield my eyes as much as I could, while still navigating the highway.

Once I got home, I went right to bed, where I stayed for the next day and half. Even the white noise from the fan that we use every night, was too much for my overly sensitive head to deal with. Migraine meds, ice packs…. nothing seemed to help. I laid in bed thinking of Paul, the Apostle, which I often do when I’m suffering from a Lyme flare-up. How he begged God three times to remove a thorn which was never removed . . . who preached the gospel to guards while he was held in prison . . . . always with grace and thankfulness.

As I laid there, I thanked God for my husband who picks up the torch and continues to run the race of parenthood while I’m out of commission (cooking dinner, car pooling kids back and forth to practice, and managing to keep this loud family of six to a whisper while I recovered.). I also thanked God for this trial. Sometimes we need a rock bottom moment to bring us to our knees, to get closer to the God who loves us. The God who wants nothing more than a close relationship with you.

So, no matter what trial you’re facing right now, God is there waiting for you to call out to him. But remember . . . the bible says:

Philippians 4:6

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Notice, WITH THANKSGIVING! Be thankful…. even during your storms! And I promise one day soon, we’ll both enjoy the sunshine again.

 

Lyme. Autism. And Truth.

Hello blog world! It’s been awhile. When it comes to a blog like this, I think it’s a good thing when you don’t hear from the author for awhile… it usually means things are going well! And for me and my fellow Lymies, it’s not a bad thing to step away for awhile and focus on something besides Lyme.

I’m writing today for two reason: 1)  Recently two of my co-workers have been diagnosed with Lyme and 2) I thought I was driving next to the President today on my ride home from work.

Point number one . . . as much as I love to help a fellow co-worker, I’d much rather be collaborating on a new marketing campaign, then comparing Lyme stories. The great thing about each of their stories is that they both received a POSITIVE Lyme test result with the first round of blood work. That is incredible news, and very encouraging! I’ll point out the obvious – you can’t treat your disease, if you don’t know what it is. And many, many people suffer from Lyme Disease for months or even years before getting an accurate diagnosis. What I find most challenging about helping my fellow co-workers in this new journey they are on, is trying to gently explain how very serious Lyme Disease is without scaring them.

The first thing I always do is share a little of what I went through, so they know that they’re not alone. Then I recommend a few of my favorite websites (https://www.tiredoflyme.com/) and encourage them to educate themselves. One of the best things I did when I first got sick, was watch the Under Our Skin documentary…. it was such an eye opener.

Now the only thing I can do for them, is to be there for them when they need a friend, and pray for them.

Point number two . . . I was driving down the highway tonight after work and I couldn’t help but notice the giant Lincoln Town Car Limo next to me. It wasn’t just the size of the car that caught my attention, but the very governmental decal on the side. I sped up so I could get a glimpse. It took a few tries to get a good look, but I finally got close enough to read it.  As I read the name out loud, my heart dropped to my stomach.  It wasn’t a government agency . . .  yet a behavioral therapy agency.  The same agency that the therapist who worked very closely with our family for years, worked for. When the boys were diagnosed, the neurologist recommended behavioral therapy and specific parent training, due to the extreme Oppositional Defiance Disorder that one of the boys was diagnosed with.  Ironically enough, the school psychologist that recommended we see this doctor to “rule out” Autism, was the same person who told us that the school was not responsible for providing this service and reminded us that their services “stopped that the door of the classroom.” So, we took things into our own hands,  hired our own special education attorney and magically the services and parent training was granted.

How is it that we live in a world today, where we not only have to have law firms that specialize in helping families fight for the rights of their special needs children – but that the companies providing those much needed services are doing so well, that they drive around in limos like this!?

It reminds me of some of the non-denominational Christian megachurches that are so popular today. People at rock bottom, who are desperate for help and struggling to make it through another day are coming to them for guidance and help . . . and these so-called pastors are taking advantage of their vulnerability and stealing their money. It’s not right.

Two of the biggest challenges I’ve faced in my life have been Autism and Lyme. And in both situations, I found myself having to be an advocate for both my kids and myself. And what I can tell you, is that the things that made the most difference in both situations (behavioral services for my kids and treatment for my Lyme) were not offered by the school or the family doctor. The professionals that we have been raised to trust, didn’t help our situations.

It wasn’t until I went outside of the system, hired the attorney for behavioral therapy and saw a doctor that was out of network (and not covered by insurance) that things started to change.

We live in a day and age where information is everywhere. But we have to learn to question what we are told . . . even your pastor. A good pastor will tell you, “Don’t take my word for it – read the bible yourself.”

So, I encourage you to do that. Educate yourself in all areas of your life. Not only your physical well-being, but your eternal salvation. The truth shall set you free.

Ask and it will be given . . .

A few weeks ago, as I was praying, I stopped running down my wish list of prayers and asked God to use me to help someone else. I was tired of the same old monotonous day at work and home. I wanted to do something to make a difference in someone else’s life. I repeated the prayer as I walked through the doors of the health club that I’ve worked at for the past 13 years. As I pushed through the daily grind of emails, voicemails, and meetings, I was asked to cover an appointment for a coworker who was out sick. In walks Pamela . . .  the answer to my prayer. 

Pamela had filled out an online form for a free fitness program that our club offers a few times a year, and she was here to activate her pass. I wouldn’t have thought twice about the inquiry – except the program had already started and registration had ended weeks before. But when God has a plan, a little registration deadline isn’t going to stop Him. As I gave Pamela a tour of the club and explained the program to her, she started to share he story with me. 

Here’s a copy of a blog I wrote for the club: 

Pamela is the type of independent woman who never asks for help – Ever. So, it isn’t surprising to hear that after her hour and a half commute from work last fall, she drove herself to the ER – only to find out she had just suffered an Acute Stroke. Pam spent the next six days in the ICU while specialists ran test after test, trying to figure out what had caused her stroke. After several days of testing, Pam was diagnosed with what doctors told her was “a really sick heart.” Medically, this was defined as heart failure; her heart was only functioning/pumping at 25% (for healthy folks at her age, the heart should function/pump at 50% – 60%). Unable to release her without some sort of monitoring of her sickly heart, doctors surgically implanted a heart monitor into Pam’s chest. Results from this monitoring confirmed she also had Atrial Fibrillation (known as AF or Afib – an irregular, rapid heart rate that may cause symptoms like heart palpitations, fatigue, and shortness of breath). In Pam’s case, AFIB caused a blood clot to go to her brain, which in turn caused her stroke.

After a plethora of doctor visits with specialists and more follow up tests, Pam was still struggling with her recovery. She expected some difficulty in getting back to her normal routine, but she was not prepared for the extreme fatigue that slowly began to debilitate her life. At a follow-up appointment with her Cardiologist, doctors convinced Pam not to go home, but to go right to the ER. After much persuasion, Pam finally agreed to go.

As you can imagine she was a bit hesitant, considering her last trip to the ER ended in a six-day ICU visit. When she arrived at the ER, nurses took her vitals and sent her through triage. However, they had problems reporting her Blood Sugar. The number wasn’t registering on their monitor. It simply read HIGH. With an inconclusive reading, doctors decided to admit Pam, until they could get an accurate reading. She was admitted and the doctors ran more tests. When the ER doctor returned with her test results, the look on his face frightened her. Very bluntly, he said, “You should be dead right now… or minimally in a coma.” The average blood sugar for a person without diabetes can range between 70 and 100 mg/dL. Those with diabetes are closer to 200. Pam’s blood sugar was hovering 800! They started an insulin drip immediately and gave her an IV for fluids, to treat her dehydration. Pam spent five days in the hospital – four of which were, again, spent in the ICU. Pam was finally released once her blood sugar reached levels the doctors felt were comfortable to work with.

Pam knew that things had to change. She set a goal to lose 25lbs and made a commitment to start exercising regularly. She saw a FaceBook ad promoting a FREE fitness program at CHHRC and decided to check it out. Registration for this program had officially closed and the 30-day program was already underway, but luckily we were able to squeeze her in at the last minute. Pam completed her Fit-30 Assessment and was well on her way. Although, Pam did have some reservations. Her biggest fear before starting the Fit-30 was worrying about what her limitations would be. This is an ongoing battle for Pam. Every day new challenges arise. “I don’t know what I’m able to do until I try,” said Pam. “Is what I’m going to do, going to cause me to have a stroke, or cause too much pressure for my heart. I was able to realize and determine what my capabilities were and match them to how far I could go,” she said.

Her Personal Trainer, Fran reminded Pam that she was capable of doing all of the exercises – even if she had to modify them. She encouraged her by referring to these challenges as capability, not limitation. Pam enjoyed the pace and level that Fran worked with the Fit-30 group. Every participant in the group had varying fitness backgrounds and medical conditions, and Fran allowed everyone to determine individually how far to push, and to honor their own bodies. “Fran showed real concern that I was okay. When folks are kind and genuinely want to help and watch you succeed, it is humbling. Because even though the world isn’t full of these type of people – they do still exist. And when they do show up . . . I am in awe,” Pam said. The staff at CHHRC is in awe of Pam’s determination, resilience, and her positive attitude. We’re excited to share her fitness journey with you and hope that she inspires you to step out of your comfort zone and push yourself beyond what you thought were limitations. Because as Pam proves every day, we are all capable of so much more than we ever thought.

The next time you find yourself running down your prayer wish list, remember that there are more Pamela’s out there…. and God wants to use you.  Just look back through the bible and you’ll find a variety of unlikely people that God uses in a huge way:  Noah: A Drunkard; Abraham: An Old Man; Moses: A Stutterer; Rahab: A Prostitute; David: An Adulterer and Murderer; Jonah: A Man who Ran from God; Matthew: A Tax Collector and Saul: A Former Persecutor of Christians.

So, why wouldn’t he use you? He’s just waiting for you to ask.

Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Are you numb?

I’ve read over and over again how much stress can affect your daily life, your health, everything. I’m also well aware that it can cause a flare-up with my Lyme. So, I’m not sure why it surprises me when new or even old symptoms arise during a stressful time. Losing my mom is obviously a traumatic experience, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when the tingling came back. But what surprised me (and to be honest scared me a bit), was  that the tingling/numbness that typically occurs only in my toes or occasionally my hands was now radiating up my entire leg. The more I researched it, the more it sounds like the numbness and weakness in my limbs is actually nerve damage.

About 10% to 15% of untreated Lyme patients will develop Lyme neuroborreliosis, a disorder of the central nervous system. It’s actually caused by a systemic infection of spirochetes of the genus Borrelia. Symptoms include erythema migrans and flu-like symptom – which is exactly how my Lyme progressed. What I thought was a simple sinus infection, led to flu like symptoms, back pain that I could only compare to intense labor and extreme jaw pain (which is the symptom that ended me up up in the ER).

Three years has passed and I’m still trying to decipher the phantom symptoms that accompany this diagnosis. Was it something I ate? Is it the weather? Is it a new allergic reaction? Aside from my all natural IV treatments that I receive at Cherry Hill Hydration Center with Dr. Molly Fantasia, I’m also going to see an allergist for the first time. I’ve had allergic responses to a variety of things in the past few months . . . firewood, Christmas trees, daisies . . . the list goes on and on. So, I’m excited to get tested to see what else is on the list of things I need to stay away from. (As I type this, I’m getting a little depressed, because I feel like I’ve already had to cut so many things out of my life- whether its my diet or my surroundings). But I’m trying to focus on how well I will feel, once I start to remove the triggers from my life – and I’m hoping to maybe get some new hardwood floors out of the deal! The old dirty carpets can’t be good for my breathing!

Although it’s a bit concerning every time I stand up or cross my legs and feel the pins and needles, I have to look at the bright side and be thankful that my leg is not throbbing with pain. I try not to let my imagination run wild . . . and wonder “what if.” The bible tells us not to worry. In fact, it says in 365 times – one for every day of the year! So, I will take this in stride, just like I do the rest of this book of life that God has written out for me. It may not be the plot I would have chosen, but it’s my story and His plan for my life story is perfect. So, who am I to complain? Plus, being numb isn’t so bad. Sometimes it’s better than feeling pain, right? Isn’t that what most of us try to do anyway? Numb the pain? Whether it’s with drugs, alcohol, shopping . . .  it’s all just a distraction from what the real problem is. So, tonight my prayer for all of us is that we each get to the root of our own individual numbness, but at the same time, give thanks to our Heavenly Father, for giving us this trial, to allow us to get closer to Him. Because He is, and always will be the ultimate healer, no matter what you suffer from.

A Mother’s Hands

It’s been exactly one month and one week since my mom (the Alzheimer’s reference to my blog title) went home to be with the Lord. It’s easy to be angry and bitter. Or hate the disease that took my sweet, caring mom away from us far too soon. But when we do that, we miss out on all of the blessings that this journey has given us. When I got married, my mom gave me a plaque that said: “A MOTHER HOLDS HER CHILDREN’S HANDS FOR AWHILE, THEY’RE HEARTS FOREVER.”

I was always a mommy’s girl. Always attached to her hip, or holding her hand. She had the best hands! Long, beautiful, strong manicured nails (or banana cure as my Dad would say). The softest, smoothest skin ever. I used to tell her that her hands reminded me of a chicken leg from KFC. She knew I meant it as a compliment.

My mom was always there to extend those beautiful hands to help me. To pull me up off the ground after I fell, to give me a gentle nudge of encouragement when I needed it or to hold me when I was scared. These past few years, I’ve been given the amazing opportunity to be there for my mom in these same ways. To hold her hand and stabilize her as she tried to walk, to give her that same little the nudge of encouragement when she needed it. And to hold her hand tightly when she was scared.

At first, it was difficult to hold her hand while she was in the ICU. Her once perfect KFC hands were now discolored, bruised and swollen. It broke my heart and the heart’s my family members to see her hands this way. But as the days passed, we continued to hold them tightly, massage them and of course paint her fingernails, her favorite shade of pink. Before we knew it, much to our surprise, the swelling had gone down, her color was returning and as I rubbed my fingers across the back of her hand, my beloved KFC skin had returned. For us, it was a miracle to be able to hold those beautiful hands in her last days –  just as they had always been.

When I met my husband, one of the first things I noticed about him was his hands. They were big, strong manly hands – you could tell they weren’t afraid of hard work. They reminded me of my dad’s hands. I knew those hands would protect me and provide for me just like my father had done my whole life.

One of my favorite bible verses is Esther Chapter 4 verse 14.

If you keep quiet at a time like this. Deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this.

Esther was a beautiful young woman, handpicked by the King to be Queen. She didn’t come from money.  She wasn’t raised by royalty, in fact, she was an orphan raised by her Jewish cousin. Shortly after she became queen, she discovered that there was a plot to kill all of the Jews. Esther doesn’t sit quietly and do nothing. She stands up to the King and saves her people. She wasn’t groomed for this situation, she had no training or anything to help her prepare. But she knew that this was her time. Everything that she had ever done in her entire life was leading up to this one moment. Preparing her for a time such as this.

Just like Esther, my father was an orphan, raised by family members and his siblings. He was thrown into the real world, with obstacle after obstacle. And he always overcame. When you’re too busy being angry at God, about my Mom being taken from us so soon, you don’t see the miracle that has unfolded before our eyes. This journey has opened my eyes, and now I see that my Mom and Dad were their very own little royal family…. King and Queen of the Miller family! But more importantly,  my father (whether he knew it or not) was born for such a time as this. The way he took care of my mother, day in and day out. He walked along the side of his wife. Never giving up.

Moms have a way of stealing the spotlight and the hearts of their children. My mom was my biggest fan. Cheering the loudest, hugging the hardest, while my dad would sit back quietly and smile – then give me a lecture on the humility of a sixth-place ribbon. But throughout this journey, we’ve had the opportunity to watch my dad step into the spotlight for the first time. Watching my mother stare at him in awe and appreciate of everything that he has ever done for her. Without this journey we would have missed out on the sleep deprived nights at the hospital, playing practical jokes on each other and telling the same childhood stories over and over again… laughing until we cried…. And then crying some more.

Although it’s easy to be sad or bitter or angry at God, I choose to praise Him. Not only when I’m on the mountain tops, but when I’m in my personal valleys as well. And I hold onto to those dear sweet memories that I have. And when I close my eyes I picture her….. in her brand new, healthy, glorified body. I see her dancing before Jesus. And I have peace in my heart knowing that one day soon I will see her again…. And join in on that dance…. And once again hold those sweet hands.

So, my prayer for you today is that no matter what is going on in your life today as you read this…. whether you are mourning the loss of a loved one as I am, or you’re celebrating a milestone, that you’re able to take a step back and try to see the big picture. It’s all part of His plan. And His plan is perfect. We may not understand (or even agree) with it sometimes, but that’s okay. One day it will all make sense.